Moniker Monday: -STER

That's a picture of Gus Johnson and he gets buckets.

Do not fear world wide web, Bushwood has not forgotten about you. It has however been an extremely busy couple of weeks with musical instrument bands, basketball, the start of baseball, and the return of Jesus. Things will return to a certain level of normalcy around here within the week, whatever that may be is debatable.

Today's Moniker Monday is -ster. Allow me to explain with some examples: "Goddammit! Looks like the Bradster is gonna be extra tough on checking everybody's side work tonight", "Not so fast on seconds Craigster, not everyone has had a chance to get their first corn dog yet", "I wouldn't go countin' out the Jeffster yet, he is a true second half Foosball player."

Now questions might arise as to what should be done with names that don't translate well when adding the -ster suffix such as Anthony, Jeremey, or Rebecca. Tone-ster, Jerster, and Beckster, Boom. This weeks moniker is meant to be challenging for you this week, see what you can do with it and as feel free to add "ole" before the name as a crutch to get you started, i.e. "Here comes Ole Tedster!".

As always take it and run with it, what you do with it is yours. And as a special bonus to the atrocity that is the "National Championship" game tonight and the man, the myth, the legend Gus Johnson; here is a bonus funniest thing you'll see all day:



Judge Smails

Bushwood Beats: BAND OF SKULLS

Last night at Newport Music Hall in Columbus a hail of excellence poured down from the musical heavens. While admittedly that is being slightly overdramatic and leaning a bit heavy on hyperbole, both Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (who will from here on out be referred to as BRMC even though I hate acronymns simply for the fact of using acronyms but don't feel like continuously typing all of that out) and Band of Skulls brought the proverbial thunder.

**Sidenote: If you're not familiar with Newport you need to be. Hands down the best venue in Ohio and possibly mother Earth. While I am aware that may be a bit of an exaggeration, I'm fairly confident it is true. The combination of an incredible sound system mixed with the fact that it feels like the paint is peeling off the walls around you is what a concert experience should be.

Due to the fact that BRMC had been featured in our Things you might not know about but probably should series we knew to expect nothing less than excellence. However while I was aware of Band of Skulls, they by far and away were the epitome of everything that is raw, live music. Hailing from Southampton, England and feeling every bit as uncorked as a wily cockney pick pocket, Band of Skulls consists of Russell Marsden (guitar, vocals), Emma Richardson (bass, vocals), and Matt Hayward (drums). The group formed in 2008 but sound significantly more put together than a band that has been together only slightly longer than the cast of Jersey Shore has known each other,

The set consisted of grinding guitars, chest thumping bass lines, and hits so hard on the drums I felt like Mr. Hayward had just watched The Blind Side beforehand and was using them as an emotional punching bag. Marsden and Richardson both provided lead vocals throughout, the resulting combination was infectious and groove inducing. If you're looking for a frame of reference, Band of Skulls is like The White Stripes, but without the elitist weirdness that keeps me from fully buying into The White Stripes.

Band of Skulls were the definition of everything that makes live music the most excellent thing on the planet. I went in with the expectation of being entertained but came away as an instant fan of a group that clearly puts everything they have into what they love to do. And they are very, very good at it. Keep an ear on these guys, this won't be the last you've heard of em.

Judge Smails

"I Know What I Am" from Band of Skulls debut album Baby Darling Doll Face Honey:

Moniker Monday: PLAYA

This week's Monday Moniker is playa. Some examples: "Yikes playa! I haven't seen anybody go that crazy on a game of horseshoes since '86!" "I can see you came to party due to that liter of Malibu Rum in yo hand playa!" "Regardless of what you say playa, I'm still gonna be getting us two tickets to the Ace of Base reunion tour."

As with all of your Moniker Mondays, playa is best used to confuse your intended target. While your immediate assumption is that it will be the most effective in an urban environment, chances are you will get better results in the exact opposite setting. Correct execution of playa throughout this week could lead to you gaining some serious momentum towards a promotion at the office or staking your claim as man of the house.

Watch as Phil Dunphy demonstrates its correct use:



As always take it and run with it, what you do with it is yours. I know you're busy, hopefully not with this.

Judge Smails

Saturdays are Fundays

Awesome things update: UFC 111 tonight, best episode of Lost ever was on this past week, God of War III is mind blowing (see below), annnnd Clash of the Titans comes out on Friday. We've also got our hands on Heavy Rain to dig thru this week so be on the lookout for a review in the coming days. Got a busy week ahead as a few of Bushwood's favorite musical instrument operating groups are breezing into town as well.

**Check out the Twatter tonight to catch my detailed and insightful analysis of UFC 111 (it will probably be mostly derogatory remarks and snide comments).

So We've all become a fan of Carl Spackler's rants here at Bushwood and it's good to see that he isn't the only one looking to make a living off of this profession. Enjoy learning more about this skilled craft in the funniest thing you'll see all day.

Gamechangers Ep. 1: The Rant Writer from Ty Burrell

Judge Smails

Bushwood's Got Game: God of War III

After completing God of War III, the controller sat in my hand and I stared at the screen waiting for something else to happen. What that was exactly I have no idea, but I'm guessing it is the same feeling that heroin addicts experience when the high runs out. God of War III is not only the best game ever created by a human, but it concludes one of the most gripping narratives ever told through any media. Yea, I said it.

As per Bushwood policy, I'm not going to discuss major plot points from God of War III because that's dumb and what Wikipedia is for if you're into that. However, below you will find the James Bond-esque opening sequence to the game which brings you up to speed from the first two entries in the series. Watch it. It's awesome.



Not since the days when I used to sport an over sized fedora and bullwhip insisting that everyone call me DOCTOR Jones has there been a character like Kratos who's identity I would gladly assume. Now at this point I am well aware that I am in fact what most would consider a "grown ass man," although herein lies the glimmer in God of War III's eye that makes it a visceral experience rather than simply a video game. For the approximately 10 (regrettably not consecutive) hours I spent playing through the game I was literally as giddy as a Japanese schoolgirl with a new Hello Kitty lunchbox. I was Kratos and I was on one last mission to exact my revenge against that son of a bitch Zeus and his minion of cronies. A group of cronies made up of the who's who of Greek Gods and Goddesses, but the one thing they had in common was that they deserved to die for what they've done... See, there it was, started to fall into it again and I apologize. If it is this difficult to move on with my life after this game I can't imagine what it would be like to kick actual heroin.

The visuals are jaw dropping, the music pounds a thunderous orchestral set and at times swells to the point where I wanted to scream out my own fits of rage while disposing of the trash on Mount Olympus. All of these things combined with the story of Kratos' quest for revenge do not just come together to make a great game, but rather the perfect experience. I'm not going to waste time you could be playing it with heaping praise to the nearly flawless game play, or the set pieces that put any other game in this genre to shame. If you've come to trust me, or even if you haven't yet you simply enjoy AMAZING things, help Kratos achieve his retribution through rage, and remember what it feels like to lose yourself in the presence of greatness through imagination.

One last thing, be sure to watch the official launch trailer below. I am not responsible if your brains blow out of the back of your head.

Terrible Tuesday

Mark your calendars, it has finally happened. The cinematic shower of dog piss that is The Blind Side has been released on DVD today. Or more appropriately put, it has been hurled upon the masses like a moldy, dusty throw rug that has been stuck in the corner of your creepy uncle's basement that likes toy trains way too much.

Whether it is the atrocious acting, Lifetime movie worthy soundtrack, Tim McGraw's hair, or inclusion of Lou Holtz; The Blind Side has superseded White Chicks as the worst molestation of the word "movie" in the history of Earth. The only thing worse than the accolades it has received, is the actual fact that there are many people who find it touching and heartwarming.

I am confident that these are the same people who apply bumper stickers to their car, use Facebook to tell the world things like "suuuuuper long day at work, can't wait for happy hour with the girls! ;)", don't like apple pie, leave their shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot, drink Michelob Ultra, listen to Nickelback, own a Wii, don't watch Lost, do watch Cougar Town, have never seen Tremors, shop at Aeropostale, think Superman is sweeter than Batman, tell everyone they should read Marley & Me, and use the phrase "What's shakin?"

It's literally atrocious. Actually now that I think about it, Lou Holtz is the best part of the whole thing and that's because he is clearly an insane person.

Whatever you do today and the many splendid days of your life to, please do not continue to encourage this cesspool of a creation. Tell your friends and enemies that every time they even mention it's name, one of those pennies a day that goes to feeding kids in third world countries gets flipped into Sandra Bullock's wishing well instead. God knows we can't have that. Nor can we as Americans, better yet, members of Bushwood stand by idly and let it occur. This is your mission if you should choose to accept it, and I know you will.

Judge Smails

Moniker Monday: CHIEF

Before we get down to business for Moniker Monday, need to cover a few things real quick. Thanks to Kansas and their spectacular effort against Northern Iowa, approximately 40% of the participants in the Bushwood Bracket are F'd in A. Thanks Kansas, keep up the great work of letting down your fans (but that's really mainly only because they live IN KANSAS). Currently, educator extraordinaire and state champion Alan Speer is dominating the field along with this guy as they both sit pretty with the highest possible point totals. Now, on to business.

Today's Moniker Monday is chief. Some examples: "Well hey there chief, guess nobody else gets any ranch for their chili n' cheese fries." "Not sure about you chief, but I could go for a deep tissue massage after all that ice dancing." "I don't care how many times you ask me chief, I don't think its a good idea for you to get personalized license plates."

Chief is a term to used to channel ones inner strength, although it can also be used to demean someone who thinks they are cooler than they really are. It is most effective when the individual on the receiving end is unaware of your intentions, thus heightening the level of excitement for you the Moniker distributor.

As always take it and run with it, what you do with it is yours. Toss some of your best examples in the comment section if you can find the time. I know you're busy, hopefully not with this.

Judge Smails

Triple D and Me - A Rant

THE FUTURE IS NOW!! Ok the future actually started in the late 1800’s, was used widely in the 1950’s and ‘60’s, and has again become widely popular due to new technologies (whew, I love the smell of a near run-on in the morning). I’m talking of course about 3-D movies.

I got my first real taste of 3-D as a kid when I slapped on those ridiculous red and blue tinted paper glasses at MGM studios for Muppet*Vision 3-D . I must admit the genre has come a long way. I remember 3-D being an excuse to create cheesy reasons for objects to be flung toward the “4th wall” / audience. While mildly enjoyable, I can’t recall ever yearning to want to see a 3-D movie ever again.

Like most who experience a mediocre “first time”, I declared myself a born again 3-D virgin. Unfortunately some bad decisions again lead me to pop my restitched 3-D cherry on a less than spectacular movie – the re-make of Alice in Wonderland.

I can only wonder why Tim Burton would sign up with Disney to make this movie. It may have something to do with him again teaming up with Johnny Depp. I believe this 7th meeting between the two was correctly predicted by the Mayans before the end of the world.

The movie starring the strangely attractive Mia Wasikowska as Alice was not anything to write to Lewis Carroll about. {I’m sorry, what’s that? Lewis Carroll has been dead for over a hundred years? Well slap me and call me #latetothepartyguy}. By the way, another reason to hate Alice in Wonderland; Lewis Carroll was a Mormon.

The whole thing was a whole lot of CGI “magic.” The actors and actresses did their best to make it seem believable. I think they were all too aware that their efforts were going to be overshadowed by their CGI 3-D surroundings, and Tim Burton’s Johnny Depp crotch bulge. It has got to be a rough go when you reveal the ending within the first 20 minutes of the movie. {O.k. Alice is going to go on an adventure and save this world by slaying a dragon thanks for the cryptic foreshadowing, and no I didn't just give anything away}

The scenes were clearly the star of the show. The 3-D effects were not overwhelming, but added just enough to keep my interest. The greatest thing I took from the movie was that it taught a new generation that a Jabberwocky is not a masked dance troupe.

Secondly what I took from the movie is that this 3-D thing could and will bring many people back to the theater. Before 150” plasma screens and 9.2 – 1600 watt surround sound systems you could not get the theater experience at home. This is again the case with 3D. Before Alice in Wonderpoop there was a preview for a 3-D documentary about a NASA space mission to fix the Hubble Telescope – snooze city right? WRONG! The 3-D images were amazing. There you were floating in space with a giant telescope coming right at your face while your fellow astronaut flew right by your fingertips. It was amazing. I think that’s what 3D is and should be used for. Not cheesy special effects that dominate the movie but to help set a mood and create better detail through depth.

But alas this is Hollywood. Why would they do something to advance the art form of cinema? All they care about is money. They will rip this 3-D technology away from us and use it for evil. How do I know this? Because it has already begun.

In true (recent) Hollywood fashion they will beat the dead money horse with clubs made from old movie posters. Titanic? that movie is over a decade old. Of course you knew George Lucas would get into the act with Star Wars. Come on Hollywood PLEASE! You have a chance to do something great. Use the creative minds that first got you off your knees giving hand jobs for crack and into the studio office. 3D movies could be the next great innovation. Don't be lazy and just remaster old stuff. I would like to say that 3-D movies will bring me back to the theater, but if this is the BS you're going to pull you can forget it. Thanks for nothin' (again).

Carl Spackler

Bushwood Birthday: Joe

In the first of many Bushwood Birthdays to come, we would like to recognize Joe. He has been a die hard and vehement supporter of Bushwood since its inception.

Joe was born in Pierre, South Dakota and spent many of his early years being somewhat of a rebel-rouser in a youthful street gang called The Knuckle Shafts. They made their money by pilfering old women and selling bootleg Ring Pops out of the back of an '85 Ford Taurus wagon. Joe had many brush ins with the law including one instance of attempting to deface Theodore Roosevelt on Mount Rushmore.

He soon began to see that this road was leading to one of disaster and joined a monastery in the hills of Portugal. While there he learned stick fighting and meditation. Combining those two crafts he soon began traveling the globe performing at children's parties while also doing part time work as a bouncer at various adult novelty wholesale stores.

Joe now lives in Columbus, Ohio and is the owner/operator of a moving company called "One Guy and a Red Wagon." He has three finches, six Galapagos turtles, and a cat named Dennis.

Happy Birthday Joe.

Sincerest wishes,
Judge Smails

Moniker Monday: BIG CAT

Double dose of excitement today, not only are you getting a new Moniker but also a sample of some aesthetic changes coming soon to the site. A new logo, layout, and general increase in excellence is on its on way. Now on to business.

Todays Moniker Monday is big cat. Some examples: "Way to leave it all on the racquet ball court big cat." "Too bad you decided to go with the RC Cola over the Sam's Choice big cat." Or, "Hey big cat, we rentin' High School Musical 2 tonight or what?"

Big cat is an empowering term but also one that can be used to convey a confusing and thick layer of sarcasm. You may have your friends, or enemies, in utter bewilderment as to whether you are encouraging them or giving a back handed compliment. In either case, it is a weapon you will want to have in your arsenal.

As always take it and run with it, what you do with it is yours. Toss some of your best examples in the comment section if you can find the time. I know you're busy, hopefully not with this.

Judge Smails