Terrible Tuesday

Mark your calendars, it has finally happened. The cinematic shower of dog piss that is The Blind Side has been released on DVD today. Or more appropriately put, it has been hurled upon the masses like a moldy, dusty throw rug that has been stuck in the corner of your creepy uncle's basement that likes toy trains way too much.

Whether it is the atrocious acting, Lifetime movie worthy soundtrack, Tim McGraw's hair, or inclusion of Lou Holtz; The Blind Side has superseded White Chicks as the worst molestation of the word "movie" in the history of Earth. The only thing worse than the accolades it has received, is the actual fact that there are many people who find it touching and heartwarming.

I am confident that these are the same people who apply bumper stickers to their car, use Facebook to tell the world things like "suuuuuper long day at work, can't wait for happy hour with the girls! ;)", don't like apple pie, leave their shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot, drink Michelob Ultra, listen to Nickelback, own a Wii, don't watch Lost, do watch Cougar Town, have never seen Tremors, shop at Aeropostale, think Superman is sweeter than Batman, tell everyone they should read Marley & Me, and use the phrase "What's shakin?"

It's literally atrocious. Actually now that I think about it, Lou Holtz is the best part of the whole thing and that's because he is clearly an insane person.

Whatever you do today and the many splendid days of your life to, please do not continue to encourage this cesspool of a creation. Tell your friends and enemies that every time they even mention it's name, one of those pennies a day that goes to feeding kids in third world countries gets flipped into Sandra Bullock's wishing well instead. God knows we can't have that. Nor can we as Americans, better yet, members of Bushwood stand by idly and let it occur. This is your mission if you should choose to accept it, and I know you will.

Judge Smails