Tuesday, March 2, 2010

H-E-Double Hockey Sticks - A Rant



After Sunday's huge hockey gold medal game between the U.S. of F'n A. and OUR HAT it has been discussed ad nauseum if that one game will bring hockey into the spotlight in America.

I'm here to tell you that you can save your breath because their is no way that is happening. Yes, even I found my hockey fandom hidden away in the back of the closet and sat down to watch that game. I too was slightly mesmerized by the match up and the spectacle it became, but after it was all said and done I still did not have the hockey itch. Why you might ask? well I'll tell you; BECAUSE HOCKEY STILL SUCKS!!

Why does hockey suck and why will it never be popular in America? oh let me count the ways.

First of all hockey was invented by the Canadians. These are the same people who brought us Tim Hortons, Celine Dion, draft dodgers, Nickelback, French speaking North Americans, and presumably this. None of these things are good. If you tell me Tim Hortons has the best coffee I will come over to your house and splash my steaming hot Dunkin Donuts coffee induced bowel movement into your face (I'm not wasting my Dunkin Donuts coffee).

Second in order to be good at hockey you have to know how to skate. I don't know about you, but where I came from all the good ice skaters were either women or they turned into this. I'm sorry that was my neighbor. I meant THIS.

Hockey is low scoring. American's do not like low scoring sports like soccer. Americans like their sports like they like their porn stars; high scoring. Even low scoring football games are labeled as snooze-fests.(Don't give me that "I love a good defensive struggle" BS). We want that scoreboard to light up like an atom bomb (a truly American invention).

Hockey allows fighting, but only in the NHL. Don't get me wrong, Americans love violence. It just seems to me that a hockey fight sticks out of a hockey game like a pimple on a stripper's ass. I don't want a hockey game to break out during a great fight. That's why I get my fighting fix with MMA. Why stop the action to watch two fully padded "goons" swing haphazardly at each other's already gaping smile. I don't care if you think fights are an important part of the game. If they were so important to strategy they would allow it in the Olympics. Its all BS anyway. Oh boo-hoo did the mean man push you down when you were trying to score a goal? Don't get up and punch him in the face. Get up, grab your stick, ram a goal down the goalies throat, and taught your opponent with jeers of "Scoreboard bitch!" like any normal person would do. Also if fighting were so important to the game they would allow kids to do it too. I would be down with watching a couple eight-years-olds put permanent dents in each their heads while trying to knock some baby teeth out of that blond haired kid that rides to practice in a BMW. But sadly this is not the case.

Perhaps one of the biggest reasons that hockey will never be popular in America is because you can't find it on TV. Even games on NBC are frequently bumped or rarely advertised. Most of the games are on a network called Versus. Heard of it? Can you find it on your channel guide? Neither can I. Until hockey is a nearly daily fixture of Sportscenter it will never be recognized as a big sport in America.

Sorry hockey but you'll just have to continue to hang out in Canada with the polar bears and try to think of new ways to say "about." ENJOY!

Carl Spackler

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