That's a picture of Gus Johnson and he gets buckets.
Do not fear world wide web, Bushwood has not forgotten about you. It has however been an extremely busy couple of weeks with musical instrument bands, basketball, the start of baseball, and the return of Jesus. Things will return to a certain level of normalcy around here within the week, whatever that may be is debatable.
Today's Moniker Monday is -ster. Allow me to explain with some examples: "Goddammit! Looks like the Bradster is gonna be extra tough on checking everybody's side work tonight", "Not so fast on seconds Craigster, not everyone has had a chance to get their first corn dog yet", "I wouldn't go countin' out the Jeffster yet, he is a true second half Foosball player."
Now questions might arise as to what should be done with names that don't translate well when adding the -ster suffix such as Anthony, Jeremey, or Rebecca. Tone-ster, Jerster, and Beckster, Boom. This weeks moniker is meant to be challenging for you this week, see what you can do with it and as feel free to add "ole" before the name as a crutch to get you started, i.e. "Here comes Ole Tedster!".
As always take it and run with it, what you do with it is yours. And as a special bonus to the atrocity that is the "National Championship" game tonight and the man, the myth, the legend Gus Johnson; here is a bonus funniest thing you'll see all day:
Last night at Newport Music Hall in Columbus a hail of excellence poured down from the musical heavens. While admittedly that is being slightly overdramatic and leaning a bit heavy on hyperbole, both Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (who will from here on out be referred to as BRMC even though I hate acronymns simply for the fact of using acronyms but don't feel like continuously typing all of that out) and Band of Skulls brought the proverbial thunder.
**Sidenote: If you're not familiar with Newport you need to be. Hands down the best venue in Ohio and possibly mother Earth. While I am aware that may be a bit of an exaggeration, I'm fairly confident it is true. The combination of an incredible sound system mixed with the fact that it feels like the paint is peeling off the walls around you is what a concert experience should be.
Due to the fact that BRMC had been featured in our Things you might not know about but probably should series we knew to expect nothing less than excellence. However while I was aware of Band of Skulls, they by far and away were the epitome of everything that is raw, live music. Hailing from Southampton, England and feeling every bit as uncorked as a wily cockney pick pocket, Band of Skulls consists of Russell Marsden (guitar, vocals), Emma Richardson (bass, vocals), and Matt Hayward (drums). The group formed in 2008 but sound significantly more put together than a band that has been together only slightly longer than the cast of Jersey Shore has known each other,
The set consisted of grinding guitars, chest thumping bass lines, and hits so hard on the drums I felt like Mr. Hayward had just watched The Blind Side beforehand and was using them as an emotional punching bag. Marsden and Richardson both provided lead vocals throughout, the resulting combination was infectious and groove inducing. If you're looking for a frame of reference, Band of Skulls is like The White Stripes, but without the elitist weirdness that keeps me from fully buying into The White Stripes.
Band of Skulls were the definition of everything that makes live music the most excellent thing on the planet. I went in with the expectation of being entertained but came away as an instant fan of a group that clearly puts everything they have into what they love to do. And they are very, very good at it. Keep an ear on these guys, this won't be the last you've heard of em.
Judge Smails
"I Know What I Am" from Band of Skulls debut album Baby Darling Doll Face Honey:
This week's Monday Moniker is playa. Some examples: "Yikes playa! I haven't seen anybody go that crazy on a game of horseshoes since '86!" "I can see you came to party due to that liter of Malibu Rum in yo hand playa!" "Regardless of what you say playa, I'm still gonna be getting us two tickets to the Ace of Base reunion tour."
As with all of your Moniker Mondays, playa is best used to confuse your intended target. While your immediate assumption is that it will be the most effective in an urban environment, chances are you will get better results in the exact opposite setting. Correct execution of playa throughout this week could lead to you gaining some serious momentum towards a promotion at the office or staking your claim as man of the house.
Watch as Phil Dunphy demonstrates its correct use:
As always take it and run with it, what you do with it is yours. I know you're busy, hopefully not with this.
Awesome things update: UFC 111 tonight, best episode of Lost ever was on this past week, God of War III is mind blowing (see below), annnnd Clash of the Titans comes out on Friday. We've also got our hands on Heavy Rain to dig thru this week so be on the lookout for a review in the coming days. Got a busy week ahead as a few of Bushwood's favorite musical instrument operating groups are breezing into town as well.
**Check out the Twatter tonight to catch my detailed and insightful analysis of UFC 111 (it will probably be mostly derogatory remarks and snide comments).
So We've all become a fan of Carl Spackler's rants here at Bushwood and it's good to see that he isn't the only one looking to make a living off of this profession. Enjoy learning more about this skilled craft in the funniest thing you'll see all day.
After completing God of War III, the controller sat in my hand and I stared at the screen waiting for something else to happen. What that was exactly I have no idea, but I'm guessing it is the same feeling that heroin addicts experience when the high runs out. God of War III is not only the best game ever created by a human, but it concludes one of the most gripping narratives ever told through any media. Yea, I said it.
As per Bushwood policy, I'm not going to discuss major plot points from God of War III because that's dumb and what Wikipedia is for if you're into that. However, below you will find the James Bond-esque opening sequence to the game which brings you up to speed from the first two entries in the series. Watch it. It's awesome.
Not since the days when I used to sport an over sized fedora and bullwhip insisting that everyone call me DOCTOR Jones has there been a character like Kratos who's identity I would gladly assume. Now at this point I am well aware that I am in fact what most would consider a "grown ass man," although herein lies the glimmer in God of War III's eye that makes it a visceral experience rather than simply a video game. For the approximately 10 (regrettably not consecutive) hours I spent playing through the game I was literally as giddy as a Japanese schoolgirl with a new Hello Kitty lunchbox. I was Kratos and I was on one last mission to exact my revenge against that son of a bitch Zeus and his minion of cronies. A group of cronies made up of the who's who of Greek Gods and Goddesses, but the one thing they had in common was that they deserved to die for what they've done... See, there it was, started to fall into it again and I apologize. If it is this difficult to move on with my life after this game I can't imagine what it would be like to kick actual heroin.
The visuals are jaw dropping, the music pounds a thunderous orchestral set and at times swells to the point where I wanted to scream out my own fits of rage while disposing of the trash on Mount Olympus. All of these things combined with the story of Kratos' quest for revenge do not just come together to make a great game, but rather the perfect experience. I'm not going to waste time you could be playing it with heaping praise to the nearly flawless game play, or the set pieces that put any other game in this genre to shame. If you've come to trust me, or even if you haven't yet you simply enjoy AMAZING things, help Kratos achieve his retribution through rage, and remember what it feels like to lose yourself in the presence of greatness through imagination.
One last thing, be sure to watch the official launch trailer below. I am not responsible if your brains blow out of the back of your head.
Mark your calendars, it has finally happened. The cinematic shower of dog piss that is The Blind Side has been released on DVD today. Or more appropriately put, it has been hurled upon the masses like a moldy, dusty throw rug that has been stuck in the corner of your creepy uncle's basement that likes toy trains way too much.
Whether it is the atrocious acting, Lifetime movie worthy soundtrack, Tim McGraw's hair, or inclusion of Lou Holtz; The Blind Side has superseded White Chicks as the worst molestation of the word "movie" in the history of Earth. The only thing worse than the accolades it has received, is the actual fact that there are many people who find it touching and heartwarming.
I am confident that these are the same people who apply bumper stickers to their car, use Facebook to tell the world things like "suuuuuper long day at work, can't wait for happy hour with the girls! ;)", don't like apple pie, leave their shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot, drink Michelob Ultra, listen to Nickelback, own a Wii, don't watch Lost, do watch Cougar Town, have never seen Tremors, shop at Aeropostale, think Superman is sweeter than Batman, tell everyone they should read Marley & Me, and use the phrase "What's shakin?"
It's literally atrocious. Actually now that I think about it, Lou Holtz is the best part of the whole thing and that's because he is clearly an insane person.
Whatever you do today and the many splendid days of your life to, please do not continue to encourage this cesspool of a creation. Tell your friends and enemies that every time they even mention it's name, one of those pennies a day that goes to feeding kids in third world countries gets flipped into Sandra Bullock's wishing well instead. God knows we can't have that. Nor can we as Americans, better yet, members of Bushwood stand by idly and let it occur. This is your mission if you should choose to accept it, and I know you will.
Before we get down to business for Moniker Monday, need to cover a few things real quick. Thanks to Kansas and their spectacular effort against Northern Iowa, approximately 40% of the participants in the Bushwood Bracket are F'd in A. Thanks Kansas, keep up the great work of letting down your fans (but that's really mainly only because they live IN KANSAS). Currently, educator extraordinaire and state champion Alan Speer is dominating the field along with this guy as they both sit pretty with the highest possible point totals. Now, on to business.
Today's Moniker Monday is chief. Some examples: "Well hey there chief, guess nobody else gets any ranch for their chili n' cheese fries." "Not sure about you chief, but I could go for a deep tissue massage after all that ice dancing." "I don't care how many times you ask me chief, I don't think its a good idea for you to get personalized license plates."
Chief is a term to used to channel ones inner strength, although it can also be used to demean someone who thinks they are cooler than they really are. It is most effective when the individual on the receiving end is unaware of your intentions, thus heightening the level of excitement for you the Moniker distributor.
As always take it and run with it, what you do with it is yours. Toss some of your best examples in the comment section if you can find the time. I know you're busy, hopefully not with this.
THE FUTURE IS NOW!! Ok the future actually started in the late 1800’s, was used widely in the 1950’s and ‘60’s, and has again become widely popular due to new technologies (whew, I love the smell of a near run-on in the morning). I’m talking of course about 3-D movies.
I got my first real taste of 3-D as a kid when I slapped on those ridiculous red and blue tinted paper glasses at MGM studios for Muppet*Vision 3-D. I must admit the genre has come a long way. I remember 3-D being an excuse to create cheesy reasons for objects to be flung toward the “4th wall” / audience. While mildly enjoyable, I can’t recall ever yearning to want to see a 3-D movie ever again.
Like most who experience a mediocre “first time”, I declared myself a born again 3-D virgin. Unfortunately some bad decisions again lead me to pop my restitched 3-D cherry on a less than spectacular movie – the re-make of Alice in Wonderland.
I can only wonder why Tim Burton would sign up with Disney to make this movie. It may have something to do with him again teaming up with Johnny Depp. I believe this 7th meeting between the two was correctly predicted by the Mayans before the end of the world.
The movie starring the strangely attractive Mia Wasikowska as Alice was not anything to write to Lewis Carroll about. {I’m sorry, what’s that? Lewis Carroll has been dead for over a hundred years? Well slap me and call me #latetothepartyguy}. By the way, another reason to hate Alice in Wonderland; Lewis Carroll was a Mormon.
The whole thing was a whole lot of CGI “magic.” The actors and actresses did their best to make it seem believable. I think they were all too aware that their efforts were going to be overshadowed by their CGI 3-D surroundings, and Tim Burton’s Johnny Depp crotch bulge. It has got to be a rough go when you reveal the ending within the first 20 minutes of the movie. {O.k. Alice is going to go on an adventure and save this world by slaying a dragon thanks for the cryptic foreshadowing, and no I didn't just give anything away}
The scenes were clearly the star of the show. The 3-D effects were not overwhelming, but added just enough to keep my interest. The greatest thing I took from the movie was that it taught a new generation that a Jabberwocky is not a masked dance troupe.
Secondly what I took from the movie is that this 3-D thing could and will bring many people back to the theater. Before 150” plasma screens and 9.2 – 1600 watt surround sound systems you could not get the theater experience at home. This is again the case with 3D. Before Alice in Wonderpoop there was a preview for a 3-D documentary about a NASA space mission to fix the Hubble Telescope – snooze city right? WRONG! The 3-D images were amazing. There you were floating in space with a giant telescope coming right at your face while your fellow astronaut flew right by your fingertips. It was amazing. I think that’s what 3D is and should be used for. Not cheesy special effects that dominate the movie but to help set a mood and create better detail through depth.
But alas this is Hollywood. Why would they do something to advance the art form of cinema? All they care about is money. They will rip this 3-D technology away from us and use it for evil. How do I know this? Because it has already begun.
In true (recent) Hollywood fashion they will beat the dead money horse with clubs made from old movie posters. Titanic? that movie is over a decade old. Of course you knew George Lucas would get into the act with Star Wars. Come on Hollywood PLEASE! You have a chance to do something great. Use the creative minds that first got you off your knees giving hand jobs for crack and into the studio office. 3D movies could be the next great innovation. Don't be lazy and just remaster old stuff. I would like to say that 3-D movies will bring me back to the theater, but if this is the BS you're going to pull you can forget it. Thanks for nothin' (again).
In the first of many Bushwood Birthdays to come, we would like to recognize Joe. He has been a die hard and vehement supporter of Bushwood since its inception.
Joe was born in Pierre, South Dakota and spent many of his early years being somewhat of a rebel-rouser in a youthful street gang called The Knuckle Shafts. They made their money by pilfering old women and selling bootleg Ring Pops out of the back of an '85 Ford Taurus wagon. Joe had many brush ins with the law including one instance of attempting to deface Theodore Roosevelt on Mount Rushmore.
He soon began to see that this road was leading to one of disaster and joined a monastery in the hills of Portugal. While there he learned stick fighting and meditation. Combining those two crafts he soon began traveling the globe performing at children's parties while also doing part time work as a bouncer at various adult novelty wholesale stores.
Joe now lives in Columbus, Ohio and is the owner/operator of a moving company called "One Guy and a Red Wagon." He has three finches, six Galapagos turtles, and a cat named Dennis.
Double dose of excitement today, not only are you getting a new Moniker but also a sample of some aesthetic changes coming soon to the site. A new logo, layout, and general increase in excellence is on its on way. Now on to business.
Todays Moniker Monday is big cat. Some examples: "Way to leave it all on the racquet ball court big cat." "Too bad you decided to go with the RC Cola over the Sam's Choice big cat." Or, "Hey big cat, we rentin' High School Musical 2 tonight or what?"
Big cat is an empowering term but also one that can be used to convey a confusing and thick layer of sarcasm. You may have your friends, or enemies, in utter bewilderment as to whether you are encouraging them or giving a back handed compliment. In either case, it is a weapon you will want to have in your arsenal.
As always take it and run with it, what you do with it is yours. Toss some of your best examples in the comment section if you can find the time. I know you're busy, hopefully not with this.
"I was cleared of all the charges; with money, women, and my health." That is Bad Blake, and after watching Crazy Heart it's hard not to believe that's Jeff Bridges too.
Let's get this out of the way first, I don't like country music. Now I don't think country music is "bad" it is just typically not my thang. However me and this guy did have quite a time once at a Kenny Chesney concert, but that's a story for another time. Two things I do love though are movies and Jeff Bridges and I was more than willing to put aside my distaste for all things country for one of the most enjoyable 112 minutes I've ever experienced.
Crazy Heart tells the tale of Otis "Bad" Blake (Bridges), who was once a star on the country music scene, in the latter half of his career as a singer-songwriter, . Although a propensity for cigarettes, McClure's, and the public's changing opinion of what makes "good country" have left him broken. Actually that's putting it generously. Blake is not a bad man, he just happens to enjoy pretty much everything that is typically described as being bad for you. What follows is a story that is part redemption, part heart ache, part The Wrestler, and a sprinkle of The Big Lewbowski. I'm not going to go more into the plot because it's irritating when articles/reviews about movies are essentially plot summaries. With that being said, the story itself takes a very far backseat to Jeff Bridges performance.
It's impossible to not look at Bridges and see The Dude. For all intents and purposes he has transformed into him. The most amazing thing about Crazy Heart is that it now feels like he has become Bad Blake, or at least some ultimate Voltron -esque combination of the two. Throughout the movie you will find yourself rooting for him, hurting for him, and laughing along with Bad Blake on a journey that you never want to end but are afraid to find out how it will.
Supporting performances come in the form of Colin Farrell, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Robert Duvall who bring exactly what's needed to the screen without distracting from Bad. Side note: Colin Farrell is an Irish actor who is playing the part of a country singer that speaks and performs with a southern accent, and he nails it. My head just exploded. Gyllenhaal's turn as a journalist was well deserving of her Best Supporting Actress nomination, and Robert Duvall is just cooler than you or I will ever be. In different forms each of them play in part in Bad Blake's history and future which you can never tell for sure if that is something he treasures or regrets.
The Best Supporting Actor throughout Crazy Heart however is without a doubt the soundtrack. Academy Award, Grammy, and pretty much winner of everything else that you can win something for, producer T-Bone Burnett has put together something that got this made self professed absolutely-not-a-country-fan guy tapping his foot. Ryan Bingham, Waylon Jennings, Buck Owens, and others join Bridges on a set list that I would happily pay to see. It's not the type of music that is performed when it's country night on American Idol, but rather something that sounds like its rooted in too much whiskey and too many cigarettes. But all the while performed with a sly grin and a complete disregard for the consequences of either.
Crazy Heart is fantastic, Jeff Bridges is amazing, and some things are more enjoyable when they are least expected. Which also sums up the life of Bad Blake. This dude abides.
Wanted to wrap up another just really terrific week at Bushwood by giving a quick tip of the cap to the loyal supporters and dedicated readers. Some big changes and events will be coming over the next week which you should be excited about. There are only two days left to vote in the poll, and I'm banking on the fact that the entire Beavers team tosses in their two cents over the weekend to make sure Teen Wolf gets its due notice. If you haven't exercised your democratic right I reccomend you do so. I know this guy has, that's a true story.
On Monday invitations will be sent out for the 1st Annual Commemorative Memorial Gambling At Bushwood NCAA Tournament Bracket. It'll be run through CBS Sports, free to play, and all managed automatically online. All you will have to do is enter your picks and the rest takes care of itself. Invites will be sent out via Facebook If you're not a fan you should become one now so as to not make us have to do things the hard way. The grand prize package will be announced at the start of the the tourney and will include some Bushwood swag and other nuggets your friends will be jealous of.
More awesomeness coming over the weekend and a new Moniker coming Monday...
And for your viewing enjoyment, the funniest thing you will see all day:
From start to finish Plastic Beach is a full frontal assault on all of your senses, and probably ones you didn't even know you had. It's one part hip hop, one part trip hop, one part tripping balls, and all parts unique. Gorillaz storm ahead like this is Normandy Part Deux into what can only be described as a concept album not trying to be a concept album but working together as a greater sum than its individual parts. Please, I beg of you, listen to it.
If you're not aware, here are the logistics: While living together in London, Jamie Hewlett (creator of Tank Girl) and Damon Albarn (frontman of Blur) one day had a conversation that I'm guessing went something like this "Hey do you want to get something to eat? And oh by the way I think we should start an imaginary virtual band that's made up of cartoon zombie-ish people with monkey features." That is pretty much the only way I can rationalize in my brain how the concept for Gorillaz was born. The virtual band members Russel Hobbs, Murdoc Niccals, and Noodle are led by Albarn's alter ego 2D. Everyone except 2D represents the revolving door of musicians who have contributed on the previous two Gorillaz ventures. On both their debut album Gorillaz and the follow up Demon Days, the sound ranges from club like discotheque ragers to melodic swoons that put you into some type of absinthe induced haze. Plastic Beach is no different.
Rumor on the street is that Albarn was motivated to put together an enviromental themed album after visiting a landfill in Africa. Now I have never been to a landfill in Africa but I'm sure that if anything would want to motivate someone to write about the environment, that would probably be it. This may or may not have been the idea behind Plastic Beach when work on it first began in 2007 under it's original title Carousel. However through time, the evolution of creativity, possibly illegal substances, and God knows what else the album moved away from this focused of a narrative. That is not to say that the green-concious message doesn't still pop its head in and out, significantly on "Superfast Jellyfish" which rails against consumerism over a beat that sounds like it could be the theme for a new sugar coated breakfast cereal.
More than their previous efforts, Plastic Beach primarily serves as platform for Gorillaz to collaborate with other artists. With the exception of Snoop Dogg, who stopped being sweet when this happened, every single one of the guest spots fit perfectly with the flow and tone of the album. The standout being Mos Def and Bobby Womack on the album's first single "Stylo" (watch the video because its awesome) which is probably one of the most infectious songs in recent memory, making me seriously reconsider my choice of personal theme songs.
Other highlights include "Some Kind of Nature" featuring the dulcet tones of Lou Reed, a stripped down "Melancholy Hill" where Albarn is featured over what sounds like the sample track on a Casio keyboard, and "Glitter Freeze" which makes me want to do uncontrollable things which I can't explain but would more than likely have a great time while doing them. The rest of the whos who list consists of Hypnotic Brass Ensemble, Kano, Bashy, Gruff Rhys, De La Soul, Little Dragon, Mark E. Smith, Mick Jones, Paul Simonon, sinfonia ViVA and The Lebanese National Orchestra for Oriental Arabic Music. Yes you read that right, none of those were typos.
However, "Rhinestone Eyes" is the king of the sand castle on Plastic Beach. One of four songs not featuring a guest spot, "Rhinestone Eyes" is an example of everything that makes Gorillaz brilliant. A progressive and growing beat combined with Albarn's hypnotic delivery, turn what starts out as a simple track into something that will have you pumping your fist through the roof of your car. I'm serious, it's incredible.
Throw your preconceived notions out the window and do yourself a favor by adding Plastic Beach to your arsenal. Samples of a few tracks have been included in the player below for your listening enjoyment. Although this album deserves to be played in your car, hopefully not a Dodge Neon, with the volume needle buried.
Here at Bushwood we don't only want to provide you with snippets of the arts to increase your existence, but also provide you with something to make your day to day life better. Hence the creation of Moniker Monday.
Moniker Monday will be a weekly segment dedicated to coining a new nickname that you should implement throughout the week. It can be used as a term of appreciation, affection, or sarcasm. Use and abuse it until you've infected your office, dorm room, or brothel of choice with this catchy term. No need to explain it any further, pretty simple.
Todays Moniker Monday is boss. Some examples: "Great game out there boss," "Hey boss, nice work on not putting more paper in the copier," "Whoaaa boss, take it easy! We don't have an unlimited supply of vasoline in the back!"
Take it and run with it, what you do with it is yours. Toss some of your best examples in the comment section if you can find the time. I know you're busy, but hopefully not with this. I know, I can't believe it exists either.
Hurt Locker for Best Picture, Kathryn Bigelow for Director, Jeff Bridges for Best Actor, Sandra Bullock (just puked in my mouth) for Best Actress, Mo'Nique for Supporting Actress, Christopher Waltz for Supporting Actor. Really no need to spend anymore time than that on the subject because barring any uber shockers there shouldn't be any upsets tonight. Don't get me wrong, a lot of great movies this past year but kind of a bland one for awards-ish films.
So what should I expect at Bushwood this week you're asking? Coming tomorrow we will be debuting our new segment titled Monday Moniker, what that is exactly I can't tell you right now because than it would be Sunday Moniker and that doesn't sound as sweet. Throughout the week you'll be getting a new Site For Sore Eyes, Things You Might Not Know About But Probably Should, a look at the new Gorillaz album Plastic Beach, maybe some movie reviews, and pretty much anything else we feel like you need to know about to keep making your life that much more awesomer. Also, if you're on Twitter you should be helping The Staff of Bushwood with the #latetothepartyguy movement. If you're not hip yet, I highly suggest you search it out as a trending topic. And follow @ChampgneShakeUp (Judge Smails) and @bushwoodcarl (Carl Spackler).
We'll catch you back here tomorrow, and now here is the funniest thing you will see all day:
Due to the overwhelming response to the inaugural Bushwood Showdown, we have decided to make this a democracy. Look to the right towards the top of the page to find the poll to cast YOUR vote on who should win the Showdown. You've been presented with the facts and now let your voice be heard.
A new element has come to light which may or may not influence your vote. You will find it below, and I promise you that it is wort the 7-ish minutes or so of your time. If nothing else, enjoy seeing some familiar faces who you probably thought were dead or in rehab. And yes, that is Mr. Belding.
Remember to vote, and spread the word! Polls will be closing Sunday, March 14 at 11:59 PM.
No this is not a battle between Daniel Larusso and Scott Howard. Rather it is the first entry in the ongoing Showdown at Bushwood series where we will take two things, how closely related they will be is yet to be determined, and throw them into a steel cage to see who prevails as the winner. Tonight is the first battle between two things that really don't matter that much but are still important.
Widely considered two of the most influential films of all time, The Karate Kid and Teen Wolf will go down in the anals of history alongside The Flint Michigan Megabowl. I dare you to find me someone who has never tried to crane kick their friend or younger sibling in the face, or hasn't daydreamed of car surfing to The Beach Boys.
I'm not going to bore you with the details of these two slices of cinematic pie and assume that you are familiar with each. Quick note, the sequels of each film will have no bearing on this competition because if it did than we would have a stalemate due the horrendous nature of Teen Wolf Too and The Next Karate Kid . If you have never seen either, don't, and send the money you would spend on acquiring them to us at Bushwood and we will promptly come to your house and pummel you in the crotch for 90 minutes to get the same experience as watching them.
So I assume you're asking, then what is the criteria we are basing this epic clash of juggernauts on? Here is your answer: how much I wanted to be like the main character, soundtrack, mentor, villain, and the montage/ending.
How much I wanted to be like the main character: Yes I had one of these and wore it everywhere, socially acceptable or not. if you don't know what that is, stop reading now and punch yourself in the face. Daniel carried with him a greater relatability factor, it's true. You could feel his pain of hating the new school and city coming through the screen, and believed that after the beating he received at the Halloween costume party it probably was safer for him to just ride the stupid bus. Although as he changes, dare I say grows, throughout the movie you were along for the ride and felt like saying "I could learn how to do those things too, I want a yellow convertible, I want to take regular day to day maintenance work motions and turn them into deadly ninja moves and win The All Valley Karate Championship."
Conversely, Scott was more somebody you were rooting for but didn't really want to be like (a minimal amount of consideration goes to when he is wolfed out because, breaking news, everybody would want to be a werewolf). No knock against him, but a lot of Scott's life outside of Beaver basketball games was kind of a snooze. Maybe he was more somebody I would want to hang out with, rather than be, especially because he had the hook up. HOWEVER, one must consider that if you are either one of these guys, you also inherit their social circles. Therefore that puts Ali with an I up against this.
As difficult as this is, Chubby is the tiebreaker. Plus you'd get to turn into a werewolf.
WINNER: Teen Wolf
Mentor: On the surface, this one looks like a slam dunk for Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita's portrayal of what every eight year old's vision of a karate sensei looks like. Unfortunately the majority of the time they end up being this guy. However, a great genius by the name of Bobby Finstock litters Teen Wolf with nuggets of wisdom from start to finish. Here is a collection of Coach Finstock's greatest hits. An unbelievably under-recognized and under appreciated character, Finstock has fallen through the cracks and it's time he obtains the notoriety he deserves. All of that being said, while hilarious and inspiring, I don't think he is capable of single handily dismantling an entire group of high schoolers dressed as skeletons. AND I am pretty sure he is unable to heal torn ACLs with his BARE HANDS.
WINNER: The Karate Kid
Soundtrack: Let me guess, you've never heard of Bunny and The Wolf Sisters? Well I guarantee you've cut a rug to them wolf style and didn't even know it. Putting that up against Asian flutes? Gee, that was hard.
WINNER: Teen Wolf
Villain: Johnny Lawrence and Mick McAllister. One is a hot headed and arrogant karate master, the other is a hot headed and arrogant guaranteed double double every game out. While Mick was certainly a d-bag, he never really flushed out that "bully" role. He more seemed like the kind of kid that was really talented and athletic but spent most of his time getting blitz-krieged in his mom's basement. Johnny on the other hand is plain and simple, the ultimate adversary. He's got the swagger, the flunkies ("Must be take a worm for a walk week." Are you kidding me with how awesome that is?!?!), and the skillz. The clincher for Mr. Lawrence in this category is that you absolutely want to be him even though you know he is evil incarnate.
WINNER: Karate Kid
Music montage/Ending: I'm not even going to try and do them justice with words, just watch.
The Karate Kid
Teen Wolf
The fact that I've put myself in a position to be forced to choose between these two has now made me throw up in my mouth. At this point I regret starting this journey because I feel like I'm choosing which one of my BFFs are going to have their faces cut off in a contraption from Saw. Yet I must.
In the tightest contest since the Perkins High School Latin Club President race of '99, Teen Wolf brings it home based on the game winning efforts of the Beavers. While I am proud of Daniel for conquering his fears and foes to become The All Valley Karate Champion, Scott Howard lead his squad to victory as a team. Proving that while there is a karate kid in all of us, it takes a wolf to become a man to win a championship.
After Sunday's huge hockey gold medal game between the U.S. of F'n A. and OUR HAT it has been discussed ad nauseum if that one game will bring hockey into the spotlight in America.
I'm here to tell you that you can save your breath because their is no way that is happening. Yes, even I found my hockey fandom hidden away in the back of the closet and sat down to watch that game. I too was slightly mesmerized by the match up and the spectacle it became, but after it was all said and done I still did not have the hockey itch. Why you might ask? well I'll tell you; BECAUSE HOCKEY STILL SUCKS!!
Why does hockey suck and why will it never be popular in America? oh let me count the ways.
First of all hockey was invented by the Canadians. These are the same people who brought us Tim Hortons, Celine Dion, draft dodgers, Nickelback, French speaking North Americans, and presumably this. None of these things are good. If you tell me Tim Hortons has the best coffee I will come over to your house and splash my steaming hot Dunkin Donuts coffee induced bowel movement into your face (I'm not wasting my Dunkin Donuts coffee).
Second in order to be good at hockey you have to know how to skate. I don't know about you, but where I came from all the good ice skaters were either women or they turned into this. I'm sorry that was my neighbor. I meant THIS.
Hockey is low scoring. American's do not like low scoring sports like soccer. Americans like their sports like they like their porn stars; high scoring. Even low scoring football games are labeled as snooze-fests.(Don't give me that "I love a good defensive struggle" BS). We want that scoreboard to light up like an atom bomb (a truly American invention).
Hockey allows fighting, but only in the NHL. Don't get me wrong, Americans love violence. It just seems to me that a hockey fight sticks out of a hockey game like a pimple on a stripper's ass. I don't want a hockey game to break out during a great fight. That's why I get my fighting fix with MMA. Why stop the action to watch two fully padded "goons" swing haphazardly at each other's already gaping smile. I don't care if you think fights are an important part of the game. If they were so important to strategy they would allow it in the Olympics. Its all BS anyway. Oh boo-hoo did the mean man push you down when you were trying to score a goal? Don't get up and punch him in the face. Get up, grab your stick, ram a goal down the goalies throat, and taught your opponent with jeers of "Scoreboard bitch!" like any normal person would do. Also if fighting were so important to the game they would allow kids to do it too. I would be down with watching a couple eight-years-olds put permanent dents in each their heads while trying to knock some baby teeth out of that blond haired kid that rides to practice in a BMW. But sadly this is not the case.
Perhaps one of the biggest reasons that hockey will never be popular in America is because you can't find it on TV. Even games on NBC are frequently bumped or rarely advertised. Most of the games are on a network called Versus. Heard of it? Can you find it on your channel guide? Neither can I. Until hockey is a nearly daily fixture of Sportscenter it will never be recognized as a big sport in America.
Sorry hockey but you'll just have to continue to hang out in Canada with the polar bears and try to think of new ways to say "about." ENJOY!
In the coming weeks we'll be getting under way with the 1st Annual Commemorative Memorial Gambling At Bushwood NCAA Tournament Bracket. It'll be your standard format with more info to come as we get closer. It'll be free to join and there may or may not be prizes, but there will definitely be fun.
To join the group send us an e-mail at gamblingatbushwood@hotmail.com, then an invite will come your way. You can also get ahold of us on Facebook as well to express your interest in signing up for the most exciting thing since Crystal Pepsi. Like I said before stay tuned for more details soon, but I'd get in early on this if I were you. Even tell your mom to sign up so she can end up winning the whole thing just by picking the team with the uniforms she likes the most.
And as a bonus, here is the funniest thing you will see all day.
A new feature here at Bushwood will be helping you, the reader, save countless hours of scrounging the interwebs by guiding you towards some unique and interesting websites. If you don't find them appealing, thats OK too, you can always keep doing what you normally do.
Each day at the stroke of midnight Tee Fury puts up a new t-shirt for sale on their site for $9. 24 hours later it dissapears into the internet abyss, gone for good, and never to be sold again. The designs for the shirts are submitted by all types of artists with various interests. They range from pop culture references, social commentary, to good ole fashioned randomness. All of the tees are screen printed so you won't find any cheap iron-ons or heat transfers like your high school intramural jersey.
Do yourself a favor and check out Tee Fury, it's a much better investment than the $9 you'd spend on going to see The Blind Side.
If you haven’t been watching the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver Canada these past couple I hope you’re in a coma. I’ve heard all the excuses for not watching; the sports are boring, I don’t know any of the athletes, NBC’s coverage sucks, I don’t want to miss American Idol, the winter games discriminate against countries that do not get snow. Really? I mean really? Lets go over this:
The sports are boring:
This is perhaps the worst excuse. These sports are not boring. Sure you might not know all of the rules or the technical aspects of the biathlon, luge, curling, speed skating etc. but that doesn't make then unexciting to watch. These athletes train for years to get to the Olympics. Some of them train while taking care of their families and hold full time and part time jobs. They are dedicated to their craft unlike many others. For them the Olympics is their only spotlight. You get one chance; one moment to shine before its all over. Think about training for 3 years for one event and losing a gold medal by 2 hundredths of a second or by 3 inches. 2 HUNDREDTHS OF A SECOND; that's faster than you can sneeze. The amount of pressure these athletes are under is massive. They are competing not only for themselves and their family, but for their entire country. They have only once chance to either be a national hero or the national goat. A perfect run earns gold. If you're wide in a corner by an inch or don't get into the right position in time you're out. which brings me to my next point.
I don't know any of the athletes:
You have a computer right? You have a smartphone? there are hundreds of webpages and several apps that outline winter olympic athletes. Stop gossiping with your friend back and forth on Twitter for 2 seconds and look them up. Done, NEXT.
NBC's Coverage Sucks:
Yes the lack of live coverage is a bit confusing. Especially when the big east coast market is only 3 hours ahead of the games themselves. BUT did you stop watching the summer games from China or Australia because the events weren't live?? I didn't think so.
American Idol:
Terrible if you use this as an excuse please do the rest of us a favor and shoot yourself. No, NO that would be too quick and easy. Shove bamboo under your fingernails and then wash your body with acid. That'll do, douche.
The games discriminate against countries that don't get snow:
The whole world doesn't get snow all the time. Boo Hoo. Last time I checked the citizens of Jamaica weren't exactly begging for the white stuff. In fact they make a pretty good living appealing to all of us as a great winter destination spot BECAUSE ITS WARM AND THERE ISN'T ANY SNOW THERE. So I'm not crying for these countries. This is 2010. If Jamaica had a bobsled team I think its all fair.
Really there is not excuse for not watching Olympic coverage. Even if you just root for the USA in all events, that's fine. That's being patriotic. Because if you don't watch, the terrorists win.
No need to pussyfoot around at this point with what you're going to find here. Continuing the Bushwood tradition of enriching your existence, we give you some things you might now know about but probably should! Music Edition! Vol.2!
Once again you'll find a selection from each in the handy player below. Vamanos!
Them Crooked Vultures: Very rarely do a group of individually talented people come together to form an unstoppable juggernaut. However, Them Crooked Vultures seem to have done just that. John Paul Johnes (Led Zeppelin), Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters, Nirvana), and Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) get downright nasty on the bands self-titled debut album. Rock on.
Grab these: Mind Eraser No Chaser, New Fang
Mumford & Sons: There has been an eerie connection between the musical choices of David Letterman and The Bushwood Staff as of late. After recently showcasing the network debut of Fanfarlo (mentioned in vol.1), these swarthy Brits recently took the stage at The Ed Sullivan Theater. A fast rising act in the United Kingdom, the London based Mumford & Sons are making their way to the land of freedom and awesomeness, hopefully to a pub or pitch near you.
Grab these: Little Lion Man, The Cave
Gossip: If Ann Wilson and Stevie Nicks placed their eggs in an atom smasher and fertilized that egg with the seed of Roger Daltrey, the result would be Beth Ditto of Gossip. Visually weird as shit but smooth as a McGregor 3-Wood to the ears, the nod to the female fronted classic rock band is in your face and much appreciated. Not since the days of hair like this has a sound been so fresh.
Grab these: Heavy Cross, Keeping You Alive
Matt and Kim: So, yeah. It's a guy named Matt, a girl named Kim who make pop-punk-dance-hip hop music with mostly a keyboard and drum machine. I don't know either but it works. Good Ol' Fashion Nightmare is the type of song that you get uber into when you're by yourself in the car but you might not want other people seeing you sing along to.
Grab these: Good Ol' Fashion Nightmare, Daylight
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club: BRMC are by no means a new face on the scene but Beat The Devil's Tattoo is such a rad song it had to be here. The new album of the same name hits your local Sam Goody on March 9th. Check it.
Grab these: Beat The Devil's Tattoo, pretty much everything else
If you have a suggestion for someone you'd like to see featured let us know!
There are many things in this country of ours that are controlled by a monopoly, most of them do a great job with being dominant unstoppable machines in what they do. They offer a superior product which therefore makes all the other ones similar to it obsolete. The logic to this practice, although arguably unfair, makes sense to me.
**Sidenote - If you're really into economics and are already frustrated with my likely misuse of exactly what a monopoly is, go watch The Blind Side with your friends **
Recently one of these situations has presented itself in Columbus although it is not a monopoly due to a high quality product but rather one born out of a mere lack of options. 97.1 "The Fan" now produces garbage on a daily basis. Like literal trash. The kind of trash that makes you so angry you want to freak out in your car and beat the passenger seat to death (yeah that's two Ferris Bueller references in three paragraphs). If you're not familiar with 97.1, it's a station that carries ESPN programming as well as local sports talk radio. As far as all of the ESPN shows go, whatever, take it or leave it you know what it's going to be. The Herd and The Scott Van Pelt Show are top notch exceptions however and deserve your ears. They have a general audience to appease to and I get the need to cover generic/general topics. So if you want a dose about Kobe vs. Lebron for MVP, who should or shouldn't get into the Baseball Hall of Fame, or to get Brett Favre updates it serves its purpose.
However when it comes down to wanting to get some local flavor regarding the Buckeyes, Browns, Bengals, Indians, Reds, Lake Erie Monsters or anything else Ohio related we must turn to the local programming. Now I understand that there is a certain audience that are the "man's man" sports fan. And I respect the ones that get BROWNS tattooed on their arm and the guy that continues to beat the drum at Jacob's (not Progressive) Field. But, even they must agree that 97.1 "The Fan" no longer makes any attempt to put out a product that can be considered remotely entertaining to anyone.
I have to first point out that this has not always been the case. The highlight of my day would be time spent in the car when I would get to hear the outstanding radio work of Chris Spielman and Kirk Herbstriet. Due to the high quality of these gentlemen's work however, they have moved on to bigger and better things (yes I know they are both still on occasionally but clearly not enough). What you can now find on 97.1 "The Fan" from the hours of 3-6 is the Common Man and The Torg . You can read that again to try and find value in it but you'll likely have this kind of result.
A regular day of Common Man and The Torg goes something like this "Hey! Buckeyes are bad, Browns are bad, Bengals players are criminals, nobody cares about the Reds or Indians! Hockey should be more popular! We're guys who don't care about what you say because we're MEN!!! And we are such guys' guys that we pretend to not know there are a shitload of other things in this city that people wanna know about rather than our 8th grade lunchroom humor that we use to make fun of other people while we sit in our own self aware puddles of loathing that we acknowledge so it makes us funny in a totally hilarious pathetic self depricating way! Eat at Catalfinos!" For three hours a day, five days a week, this is what gets broadcast on the airwaves.
So maybe what you're saying now is "Well just change the station if you don't like it!" and as of this time I have stopped listening. Although the whole point is that I shouldn't have to! But the reason this is a problem is because I like sports. I like radio. Therefore I like sports talk radio. In Columbus, there are no other options. I despise with a fiery passion both The Common Man and The Torg because everytime I hear their voices and exaggerated "Italian-ness" it makes me want to shove bamboo shoots under my finger nails. Not only does it for some reason piss me off that you (yes I am now using "you" because I pray to God somehow one or the both of you clowns read this) feel the need to say things like "I'm not gonna be watching Slumdog Millionaire because I don't enjoy watching Indian people line dancing" but it also drives me insane that you perpetuate the cynical, miserable, d-bag Ohio sports fan persona.
This brings us back to my improper use of the word monopoly, but this is exactly what it's all turned into. So consider this my job application for any station in Columbus that's looking to hire somebody who would definitely suck less than these guys. Screw you "The Fan," I'll come back as a listener when Chris Spielman hosts every show by himself, or at least pair him back up with Ricordati, a.k.a. Common Man, so can go back to calling him out for being the tool that he is. Those were the good ole' days.
Nobody likes these guys, we just don't have any other choices. But I guess I could be wrong, just listen to that ovation.
Continuing the Bushwood tradition of getting you hip to things early, today we bring you a look at some upcoming films that I guarantee are better than The Blind Side. If your first reaction to reading that was "Well I don't know, The Blind Side was pretty good" then stop reading now and go watch Marley & Me because chances are you probably own it.
Some of this edition's selections debuted at Sundance, others are ones that have been found through scrupulous combing of the internets. Either way, I get super excited about movies.
****BURIED: No this isn't a movie based on the MTV show The Buried Life (which is about as "real" as Jwoww's bosoms) but rather a pretty risky yet extremely intriguing movie starring Ryan Reynolds. And only Ryan Reynolds. The entire film takes place in the coffin which Paul Conroy (Reynolds) has been buried in by some nefarious individuals who are demanding a ransom. This is director Rodrigo Cortes' first English film, and while it is a gamble, it looks like one well worth taking.
****LUNOPOLIS: The comparisons to Paranormal Activity and the now beat to death "Blair Witch" reference is unavoidable when a movie like this comes around. However the completely original and obscure source material for Lunopolis is one that is hard pressed to not be curious about. This little film that could centers around the actual conspiracy theory that there was once a thriving civilization on the moon, and some not so fantastic things took place there which were subsequently covered up. Difficult to not to be interested if you like good things, and its rumored that Sandra Bullock turned down the chance to play the moon. <--- That last parts not true
****CENTURION: No question that the era of Roman Legionaires has been done extremely well before, but its hard to not be excited about the director of The Descent (and the little known but equally sweet Dog Soldiers) taking a crack at it. Based on the true account of the Ninth Legion's march thru Scotland to destroy the Pict rebels and the eventual mysterious and still unexplained dissapearance of its nearly 4,000 members, Centurion looks as though it will trade historical accuracy for swords and shields. That is not a bad thing, unless you're a d-bag and can't appreciate the fact that its a movie for entertainment and not a show on The History Channel.
****CYRUS: Great to see John C. Reilly returning to form after the disaster that was Step Brothers (if you thought any part of it was funny besides the Boats and Hoes presentation by Prestige Worldwide go watch Two and a Half Men which I bet you also think is a laugh riot). A great cast and an ever improving Jonah Hill playing a single mother's son adjusting to his mom (Marissa Tomei) and her new boyfriend (Reilly) looks outstanding.
****THE GHOST WRITER: Soooo I thought this was a feature film based on this, but its not (and yes you read that right, the kids name who played "Jamal" is Sheldan Turnipseed). Still looks good though.
More to come soon!
Judge Smails
P.S. The Wolfman sucked alot. This is the only Wolfman that has nards.
One of the greatest characters in recent movie history is getting his own film. Aldous Snow of Infant Sorrow, the architect behind such hits as Inside of You and We've Got To Do Something is finally having his time.
If you haven't seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Russell Brand's piss your pants hilarious performance, go do so immediately. Co-starring Jonah Hill, Aziz Ansari, Nick Kroll, and P. "All I do is Make Bands" Diddy; Get Him to the Greek hits theaters this summer. Check out the trailer below!
I wonder how much Accuweather meteorologist Jim Kosek would charge to just hang out at my house and get me this jacked up before going to work each morning.
As we said prior, our goal here at Bushwood is to enlighten you on the finer things in life. Whether that's movies, music, television, beverages, or the best place to find underground goldfish races in San Diego,our goal is to improve your quality of life by making it more awesomer.
With that being said the first edition in this ongoing series will be about the time honored tradition of music. I don't think that makes sense now that I wrote it, but you get the point. I'm not going to pretend that any of these bands/artists are unheard of nobodies, but they might be to you. If they're not, let us know what you dig or don't dig about them because this is America and the Internet so you can say those things without fear of having your hands cut off.
On with the show, you'll find a selection from each in the handy player below. Now continue reading.
Matisyahu: Matisyahu is an American Hasidic Jewish reggae musician. Go ahead and read that again, I can wait. Now that you've had a chance to process that, let me confess this: I don't really like reggae nor am I Jewish. That does not mean that I haven't done the impaired white man dance to Bob Marley at island themed events, or ever turned down a high stakes dreidel game. Regardless of any of these things, this is music I can firmly get behind. A wicked sick lyrical flow and simplified beats highlight Matisyahu's talents, even if you don't like drinking Red Stripe with your latke cakes.
Grab these: King Without a Crown, Glavanize w/ The Crystal Method
Crash Kings: If I had a theme song that played when I walked down the street I would want it to be Mountain Man by Crash Kings. Best described as what Maroon 5 would sound like if they weren't terrible, this trio from Los Angeles brings the thunder with only a bass guitar, piano, and drums. Opening for Chris Cornell,The Stone Temple Pilots, and The Bravery should help give you a better idea of their sound. Once you listen tho I promise you you'll be thinking one thing, I want that for my theme song too. Go ahead, we can share.
Grab these: Mountain Man, You Got Me
Fanfarlo: How Fanfarlo haven't turned up in a movie starring Michael Cera or directed by Wes Anderson is a mystery to me. Fanfarlo wreaks havoc with violins, pianos, guitars, trumpets, those washboard things people in cults use to clean their clothes in rivers, and God knows what else. Fitting snugly into the Indie Rock genre, they bring a unique sound that puts their British roots on display. These crazy snaggle toothed kids have success written all over them.
Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros: If before you listen to Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros your first see a picture of the band, you might think to yourself "Huh, I didn't know they gave homeless people recording contracts." But this visual train wreck comes together to create something that must've been teleported here from 1976, but works amazingly well. Part The Doors, part Fleetwood Mac, and all original in 2010, you need to hear it to possibly get it. But I guarantee Home rekindles your interest in whistling.
Grab these: Home, 40 Day Dream
Phoenix: Yes, 1901 is that song from the Cadillac commercial. And yes, if anyone from Cadillac is reading this I would gladly take a free one, but i want an old one like Doughboy's. Phoenix is French but we're not going to hold that against them because frankly, they're wicked. It's like indie-rockish music was thrown into a blender with synthesizers and The Killers, and out comes a delicious jamming smoothie.
Grab these: 1901, Lisztomania
So there it is, the first installment in an ongoing series to make your life more enjoyable. Spread the word.
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